It often occurs to me that I spend a lot of my time in preparation. But that's not really true. I actually spend most of my time worrying about how I could prepare and being discouraged by how unprepared I actually am.
I have quite lofty aspirations for myself.
I want to achieve things. I want to achieve things now. I want to see how it turns out now. I don't want to waste time waiting. Even though I know timing is everything. I want to do what I can to prepare myself and make myself qualified. I'm constantly anticipating what I might be doing in the future.
But I always end up in a disappointing rut.
It seems so obvious that everyone in the world is more ready. It feels like everyone else is able to prepare themselves for what they want and I'm stuck. But once again, none of this is actually true. I have it in my head that yes, everyone is getting ready to be able to win if ever in competition with me while the other part of me believes that of course, we're all in the same boat.
Everyone else is nervous and anxious like me. They may not be nervous now, but that will come later for them.
"We all go through it together, but we all go at it alone" -She and Him.
It only recently occurred to be that I may fail in life. I may not be prepared. I have a feeling deep inside me that I won't have an easy transition into the world. I'm acutely aware that I'm currently living in a uniquely safe and stable environment that I'll not have again for a long while or maybe ever. I should be enjoying my last two years of absolute comfort living in my parents house. I should live fully in the moments I'm presented because I may never be able to approach life like I could right now. I don't have to worry about making dinner. I don't have to be concerned for other people. I hardly even have to be concerned for myself because I'm not under my own care. This is frustrating but also beautiful.
I feel so limited at times. I'm always running into the problem of "if I was just thiiiis much older, I could..." but in fact, I should feel weightless. The money I worry about is such a basic frivolous luxury that I'm lucky to feel any weight to it at all.
I have opportunity at this moment of my life, but I'm constantly failing to enjoy it because I'm so concerned about opportunities that are not yet available to me. It's crazy.
If I knew how to not take things for granted, I'd take pride in my age and current situation of being a high school student in Georgia; but, let's face it, that's not who I am. I'm not one of those high schoolers who 'make every moment count' because I don't think these moments will end up counting all that much. I can see both how foolish this is and how smart it can be all together.
If I did live totally stereotypically, I'd get suckered into a lot of stupid crap. It's good that I have precautions about the way I present myself and the way I choose to spend my time. But on the other hand, I miss a lot of things. It's not a bad thing to take advantage of your current conditions and make it pleasing to yourself, yet I'm so focused on getting through it quickly. I should be a little more intentional about being positive for where I am.
I'm not sure why it's so difficult for me to explain this delicate struggle I consider. Is it possible to enjoy as fully as possible exactly where you are while still being so excited and ready for new things?
I need to be reminded constantly that even though I want an exciting life, I want a full life. A full life involves times like these that feel slow and too secure and that my times of haste and fast-paced anxiousness will be just as much a part of me as my boredom is now.
All of the moments I live will define me which is why I'm scared to stay in one place for too long. It's why I'm ready to go from here. I've done my living here and I need to move to do my living elsewhere now. I'm running out of ways to stay occupied, uplifted, and excited in Athens and I need the beauty and intensity of change to take me!
On the other hand, if I truly believe this chapter of living in Athens or maybe Georgia, is done in just two short years, I better do what I can to make the most of it. And I'm back to where I started. While understanding that my days here are running out quickly I'm caught between being ready for that and being scared of that.
I think often of one of my favourite lines from "Dianne Young"
'I live my life in self defense
You know I love the past cause I hate suspense'
Some days that is so painfully me while the others it couldn't be more wrong. I'm here. I'm ready not to be. I won't actually know if I'm ready to not be here until I'm already gone though. C'est la vie.